


When that moment comes, find me.

by ThatDayWeWillMeet



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Internal Monologue, Kim is bi mess, Love, Maybe they can be messes together, Panic Attacks, trigger warning, trini is a gay mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 14:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14380989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatDayWeWillMeet/pseuds/ThatDayWeWillMeet
Summary: Trigger Warnings: Anxiety and Panic Attacks.  Trini is so used to keeping everyone as far away as possible and yet...she wants to be loved.  Will Trini be able to finally find love?I am terrible at summaries but I hope you enjoy!





	When that moment comes, find me.

_Smoke._

_Flames._

_Screams._

Jumping up trying to catch her breath, Trini woke up.  It has been this way every night since Rita and Goldar tried to literally cook the Power Rangers.  Breathing heavily, _In for 5, Hold for 4, Out for 3_ Trini thought to herself as she attempted to calm the anxiety that was threatening to destroy her.  She couldn’t stand the awful feeling that she almost could not describe, _Can’t breath, walls closing in, I don’t feel real._ She does what she read online for anxiety, tries to rationalize her thoughts but honestly, how well can that actually help a girl who almost got killed by a space witch and her 100 foot gold monster?  Reaching for her phone, she started to type out a text until her anxiety started to make her feel like she was just being a burden.  She could hear Rita’s voice in her head, _You are different from them, little yellow.  You and I are exactly the same.  They will abandon you just like they did me, just admit it to yourself! You are NOTHING to them.  Breath in and out, that’s just your anxiety talking, you know the Rangers love you…… don’t they?_ No, Trini couldn’t let herself go down that rabbit hole again.  The same thoughts over and over and over.  Ugh, why couldn’t she just get over this?  Picking her phone back up, Trini rolled over and started cuddling her pillow (She likes to cuddle, Okay?)  She pulls up the message app again and starts typing it out.

Trini: Hey, you up?

Trini waited up as long as she could, hoping to see those tell-tale dots of a response, but they never came.  Sighing, she rolled over and started going through her pictures.  She stopped on the picture of all of them on the mountain where they first saw Goldar marching towards Angel Grove.  She smiles to herself, thinking about how all of these idiots became her idiots.  Zack, who may be the most annoying creature to ever walk the planet, became her closest friend.  Billy, who couldn’t love Billy?  He is the one good thing about this existence.  Jason, fearless leader, secret Dad friend, although he could get a little annoying, he still had a place in Trini’s heart.  And Kim, Kim brings feelings that Trini doesn’t really want to deal with right now, _I’m such a mess, crushing on my straight friend who could literally have anyone in the world, like her crush Prince Harry_ Trini rolls her eyes smirking _Of course the Princess would want a prince._ Exhaling sadly, Trini starts to realize that she may never be able to have the one person who makes her feel things that no other person has been able to.  Just between you and her, she hasn’t had much of a love life, with the entire being a lesbian in a family that believes in “normalcy.”  Trini immediately starts thinking of something else, waking up because of a panic attack that mated with a nightmare is not the time to start re-opening old wounds.  She opens the message app again,

Trini: Hey buttface, you awake?

Zack: Buttface?!?!? You know I am the fairest of them all

Trini: Okay Evil Queen, take it down a notch

Zack: You love me, whats up T? It’s 330 in the morning

Trini: Can’t sleep, why are you up?

Zack: Same.

Trini started putting on her clothes before she responded, her favorite beanie, some leggings, and her favorite flannel.

Trini: Meet at the train car?

Zack: Sure, get some coffee first :D

Trini rolled her eyes, only Zack could like the tar that the local gas station passes off as coffee.  Trini put some cash in her pocket and listened for any sounds of her parents or brothers awake, the last thing she needs is to explain why she is sneaking out.  She opens the window and jumps down to the yard below, Hey, being a Power Ranger has its perks.  She put her headphones in and pressed play.  Vibes by Tove Lo started playing, Trini rolled her eyes.  The only reason this song was on her phone was because Kim argued that Heavy Metal couldn’t be the best music for every situation, although Trini would never admit it, she kinda likes it.  But if you tell anyone, she’ll kill you.  She walks into the local BP gas station, picking up two large coffees, one black and one with more creamer than coffee, hey a girl can like sweets, and some gas station donuts. 

Walking up to the counter, the cashier smirked “Out wandering again, huh?  Shouldn’t be out alone this late.” 

Trini raised her eyebrow, “I think I’ll be fine.” 

The cashier chuckled “You’re a little spitfire, you know that?” 

“You have no idea.” 

Trini paid and walked out the door, she’s been to this gas station with the same cashier for so many nights, she starts to wonder if she should start sending him a Christmas card.  Trini continues on to the mine, walking through the town looking at all of the construction.  Even though the attack on Angel Grove happened 4 months ago, the town still looked like a warzone.  Boarded up shops everywhere, if they were lucky enough to be left standing.  Starting to get nauseous thinking about that day, Trini turns her music up, pressing the replay button on Vibes. 

Walking up to the train car, Trini pressed pause on her phone and took her headphones off and started listening.  She knew that if Zack had the chance, he would try to scare her.  He was the most predictable person in the world at this point, but he still tries.  Using her Ranger Sense, she could feel him underneath the train car, so naturally she started to go around to scare him (after she set down the coffee and donuts, knowing Zack, any food could be used as a weapon).  What else are you supposed to do?  Pulling him out by his feet, she could hear him

“What the fu…” “Crazy girl, how the hell did you know I was under there? Wait, YOU CHEATED” Zack yells, scowling at Trini. 

“It’s not cheating if you could use it too, idiot.” 

Zach raises an eyebrow and starts to smirk “Zack, I swear to God if you touch me. . . “ Trini started to say, but got cut off as Zack lifted her up over his shoulder laughing “Put me down!” Trini yells, and then starts punching him everywhere she can. 

“Ow okay okay crazy girl, I give up!” Zack puts her down and starts laughing again.  God he’s annoying but she loves him. 

“So T, what’s going on?” 

“You first, everything okay?” 

Trini hated talking about her feelings but even more, she hated worrying that something was wrong with her friends. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine, Mom’s okay, asleep right now.  I just needed to get out for a bit, you know.” 

“Yeah, I get it.” 

They climb up to the top of the train car and fall into a comfortable silence.  Trini nudged against Zack, in her own way telling him thanks. 

Zack smiled “Hey, Crazy Girl, where are the donuts and coffee?” 

Trini looked around, “I left them down on the ground.” After he went down to get them, they fell back into the silence enjoying them. 

“I had the dream again.” Trini admits. 

The best thing about Zack was he never pushed and that let Trini actually talk about things.

“I figured T, I felt super on edge around midnight, like I had to get ready to fight for my life or something.”  Trini looked down at her shoes, trying not to let tears come. 

“T, its okay, I have those dreams too.”  For some reason, Zack was the most in tune with the Ranger Sense thing.  Zordon said something about him being an empath?  All she knows is that Zack could feel all the other rangers emotions better than they could. 

“I just wish I could stop, you know?  It feels like a constant circle of thinking the same horrible shit everyday.”  Zack just sat there, letting Trini vent.  “I just wish I could stop being scared.”  Trini finally admits, fighting back the tears that threaten to drown her. 

“T, you’re the strongest one out of all of us, but even you have your limits.  You need to let us help you.”  Trini starts wiping at her eyes, “I don’t know how.” 

“Easy, it’s just like this T, we are there for you no matter what, Power Rangers ride or die.”  Trini looked at Zack and raised her eyebrow

“Really?” “What?” Zack laughs. 

Trini starts to wonder if she could ever really open up.  She did once, and lets just say there’s a reason she has more walls up than fort knox.  It isn’t fair to the Rangers to let past issues influence their relationship, but some things are hard to change. 

“T, I can hear you thinking.”  Trini stays quiet. 

“Well that’s fine if you don’t want to talk, but maybe you would to a tall, dark, and beautiful. . .” Zack couldn’t finish his sentence before he got punched. “Ow Crazy Girl! You’ve got it bad.” Chuckling, he started rubbing his arm.  “You know, if you did profess your undying love maybe she would feel the same way.”  Scowling, Trini got ready to throw another punch “Easy, T.  I’m just kidding.” 

“Like she would ever go for me, I’m a mess.” 

“T, any girl would be lucky to have you.”  Trini rolled her eyes.  Sometimes she really did love this idiot. 

“Yeah, but Kim is straight.  Kinda hard to convince her of my love when you know, she doesn’t like girls?”  Trini said sarcastically.  Zack has gotten close enough to her that he knows sarcasm is only because she is afraid of getting hurt. 

“Maybe try, T, you never know.”  Trini stared at her beat up chucks like they held all the answers to the universe, “Maybe, I don’t know.” 

“Have you told that cute girl at the diner that you like her yet?” Trini asked, smiling innocently. 

“Ugh, T.  This is about you, quit trying to change the subject.”  Trini simply smirked. 

“Well, I guess we should get home to get ready for school, you coming homeboy?”

“Nah, I have to work today.” 

Trini felt her heart start to shatter, thinking about how much Zack is going through with trying to support his mom, well, our mom really.  The very day Zack introduced Trini to her was the very same day Trini was all but adopted.  “Okay Z, well try to come to school at some point, kinda have to be there to pick up your diploma.”  Zack saluted her as he jumped off the train car and started sprinting towards home.  Trini sighed, and started walking.

Carefully opening the window, Trini gracefully snuck back in. Translation; she managed to get her shoe stuck on the windowsill and came crashing into her room.  At 530 in the morning.  3…2…1…

“Trinity Maria Gomez! What on earth are you doing in there?!” Great.  No sleep, horrendous anxiety, and now she’s put the final nail in the coffin of what could have been an okay day. 

“Sorry Mom! Just fell out of bed again.”  Trini had a habit of sleep-walking which also meant, falling out of bed.  Don’t judge her.  Hoping her mom believed her, Trini rushed back into bed covering herself up the best she could, her brain was not remotely capable of coming up with an excuse as to why she had a full outfit on sleeping. 

“Dios Mio, Trinity.”  Her mother grumbled walking back to her room.  Thankfully June was still half asleep, otherwise she definitely would have gotten a lecture.  Trini set an alarm and tried to get some sleep before school.

Walking towards school, she made the one stop on her route.  Kim’s house.  Trying to ignore the butterflies (who named it that? More like killer bees) as she sent the text saying she’s outside. 

The front door swung open and Trini could hear Kim’s Parents “Kim, please do well on that Chemistry test, otherwise medical school is out!”

“Yeah yeah, okay bye!”  Kim slammed the front door.  “Ugh, for once I wish we could just have a normal family conversation, you know “”Hi Kim, Honey, How are you?” Instead I get lectured, every morning.”  Kim looks at Trini and immediately brightens, smirks, and Trini is so screwed. “Hey there gorgeous” with a wink.  Trini blushes and writes it off as Kim just being Kim. 

“Hey yourself, thanks for responding this morning, jerk.”  Trini nudges Kim playfully.

“Responding? Oh my gosh T, I’m really sorry, I kinda sorta may have accidentally. . . _mumbles”_

“What?”

“I said I may have broke my phone again.” 

“You’re kidding me princess, that’s the 3rd one this month!”  Trini sighed.  “Come on, maybe we can make it to the tech store before school.”

The tech store was one of the nicer things Angel Grove had to offer, and surprisingly it was spared Goldar.  Kim started looking at the phones,

“Hey Princessa, maybe get one that is made out of solid steel, maybe that’ll last.”  Trini smirked up at Kim. 

“Oh yeah? Well there’s nothing that’s a match for these guns”  Flexing, her bicep, Trini about had a heart attack.  God, she’s a gay mess.  Kim sensing that she won that exchange, smirked and turned back around to the phones. 

“Hey, this one is cute.”  Kim expressed kind of jumping up and down.  She was adorable. 

“Well, your highness, after you.”  

“Such a lady” Kim chuckled at Trini. 

“Yeah yeah, go pay Ms. Money Bags.” 

“Hey, having parents who are both surgeons has it’s perks you know.”  Trini rolled her eyes.  She started wandering around the store while Kim bought her 4th phone in less than 20 days, pretty sure she should get one of those “buy 10 get the 11th free” cards for this store.  Smiling to herself, she turned to see if Kim was done yet and was met with the most incredible sight.  Somehow the sun filtered through the dusty haze in the store and hit Kim’s eyes just right that they were no longer brown but gold.  Trini started trying to think about anything other than staring into those eyes, soccer, kickboxing…..nothing was helping.  Flustered, Trini followed Kim out of the store.

“Alright tiny t, lets get to school before I give my parents another reason to look disappointed in me.”

“Tiny t?! you’re kidding me right.”

“Well, you’re just so tiny and fun-sized.”  Kim laughed. 

Trini pouted up at Kim, “I could still kick your ass.” 

Kim leaned in close to Trini and whispered, “It’s a date.” 

She can’t be serious.  No.  No way.  You could cut Trini’s sexual frustration with a knife at this point.  Feeling a deep blush creep up her face, she looked away.  Kim frowned, thinking she was too forward.  They both walked the rest of the way in silence, Trini trying to calm down and Kim wondering what she did wrong.    

Walking up the steps, they heard their favorite guys, (minus Zack of course) “Hey guys” “Jason, we need to start walking, it takes exactly 4 minutes 35 seconds to get to our class and. . . “ “Okay Billy, it’s okay we’ll start walking.  Ladies, shall we?” 

Rolling her eyes, Trini let everyone walk ahead of her.  She watched as Kim started into a natural conversation with Billy and Jason when her chest started to feel tight.  She immediately recognized what was happening.  _Breath Trini, there’s literally no reason to feel this way.  You’re not in danger, you are at school with your friends.  Breath.  Breath.  Calm down._ Feeling like she couldn’t catch her breath, Trini turned around and went back outside.  Sitting on the front steps of the school she internally cursed herself for feeling so….broken.  Sensing someone come up behind her, she sat straight up and pulled her phone out, acting like she was texting. 

“Hey Trini, what are you doing out here?”

“Trying to send a text, signal in there blows.”  Trini said, trying to shrug the anxiety off.  Kim looks at her, not believing a single thing she says but doesn’t push her because Trini isn’t one to open up. 

“Okay, well, are you okay to go in?”  Trini nods and takes Kim’s hand.  She tries to ignore her heart speeding up and writes it off as being her anxiety.  God what she would give to not feel so weak.  Letting go of Kim’s hand, Trini walks beside her back into the doors and thanks Kim in her mind for not pushing her to talk about anything.  Walking down the hall, Trini stops at her locker. 

“Trini, have you heard anything I’ve said?” Kim scoffs at Trini, looking away “Huh? Sorry.” 

Kim, affectionately rolls her eyes, “What on earth am I going to do with you?” Nope.  That definitely did not make Trini frustrated, thank you very much.  “Hey, T, I’m here if you want to talk.”  Trini nods and starts to pull out her books.  For most of the day Trini is on her own, which was fine when she was alone but now that these 4 idiots somehow forced their way into her heart, being in those classes without them seemed….lonely.  Not to mention the looks she still got, a “no one” like her becoming friends with the ousted Queen and King of the school.  So, the judgmental stares of the oh so very open and caring people of Angel Grove High.  Trini rolls her eyes, okay, maybe that was even too sarcastic for her.  Taking her signature seat in the back, she settles in for a riveting lecture on Romeo and Juliet.

What the hell, why is this even considered a story of modern love? Gathering her things, Trini starts to walk out when she hears the ever familiar whispers.  “Dyke, freak.”  One would think that they could come up with some better insults but it’s always the same.  Always has been the same.  Trini presses her books tighter to her chest, almost as if they could protect her from the constant onslaught.  Walking out into the hall, she turns and is greeted by the sight of Kim leaning against the wall looking at her phone.  She could not get any more cheesy and God Trini is in deep. 

“Oh hey, there you are” Kim winks at Trini,

“Of course Princess, where else would I be?”  Kim links her arm with Trini’s and steers her down the hall. 

“So, I was thinking.”

“You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”  Kim turned and stuck her tongue out at Trini. 

“Real mature, princess.” 

“Anyways, as I was saying, I was thinking maybe we should hang out Friday, just the two of us, we haven’t had a girls night in forever.”  Kim said, looking at her phone.  Trini’s head started to spin, _calm down Trini, she just wants to hang out as friends.  Like we have countless times before, she’s straight and your best friend, she doesn’t like you that way._ Trini nods and gives Kim a small smile,

“Sure Princessa.” 

“It’s a date!” Kim squeals and proceeded to, actually skip down the hall.  _What even is Kim_.  Trini sighs when she gets to her locker, and pulls out the rest of her books.  It’s going to be a long two days.

School, Training, Home.  Pretty much Trini’s routine, with the ever common trip out to the mine, of course.  Friday is finally here and to be honest, Trini would rather face down Rita again.  She can’t contain this feeling in her stomach.  She really needs to get these feelings under control, _Crushing on your straight friend, good move dumbass._ Trini finishes getting ready, throwing on her favorite beanie which may or may not be a comfort item.  She looks down at her phone

Kim: Hey shortstack, come outside in 5 ;)

Trini rolled her eyes, she is so getting revenge for that.  Walking down the steps she shouts a quick goodbye to her parents and hurries out the door before they can ask any questions.  Trini runs down the sidewalk and gets into Kim’s hot pink jeep. 

“You know, I get that you’re the pink ranger and all….but does it have to be so pink?” 

“Shh, don’t listen to her baby, you’re perfect the way you are.”  Kim rubs the dash as she says this and then shoots Trini a glare.  Trini rolls her eyes and smiles at her friend.  Kim continues to glare at Trini until she can’t hold it anymore and bursts out laughing.  That laugh needs to be recorded so Trini can play it on repeat…that’s not creepy, right?  They start driving and that’s when it hits Trini, “Where are we going?” 

“Shh, listen to the music.”  Kim answers, turning up the station.  Some pop song starts coming through. 

“Kim, tell me!”  Kim responds by turning the music up even louder.  Trini huffs and sinks down in her seat.  Damn her for being so adorable and annoying and so much for working on this crush thing.  They drive like this for five more minutes when they reach the familiar entrance to the only mine in Angel Grove. 

“What are we doing here?”  Kim turns down the music and smirks over at Trini, “You’ll see.”

“Kim, you know I absolutely hate surprises.” 

“But you love me, so you’ll love this!”  Trini feels a deep blush making it’s way up her face.  She looks away to try and hide it.  Kim turns the jeep off and gets out, going straight to the back hatch.  Trini starts to open the door when it flies open, “Sorry T, I was trying to be chivalrous.”  Kim says with a blush, “I guess I still don’t know my own strength, she shrugs.  That’s when Trini sees what Kim has in her hand, a picnic basket. 

“A picnic, really Kim?”  Trini tries to hide behind an exterior made up of no emotions and sarcasm, but Kim sees right through it. 

“Of course a picnic, how else was I going to get you out under the stars?” Kim winks at Trini.  Wait, what?  Trini can’t even respond.  Kim chuckles, “Come on T, lets start hiking.” 

They hike and talk some but Trini is still struggling with saying anything so she reverts back to her natural state; silence.  They finally get to where Kim was leading them, a small clearing with a blanket already laying in it. 

“Were you out here before or should we be looking for the victims?”  Trini says, smirking up at Kim. 

“No, I was here before, smartass.”  “Come on, lets go sit down T.”  Trini lays down on the blanket and looks up, she never will get used to seeing the stars this close and beautiful.  She feels like someone is watching her so she turns to the side and sees Kim staring at her.  Blushing, “What?” 

Kim just smiles “Nothing, just admiring you.”  She winks, honest to god winks at her.  Trini’s heart is beating out of her chest at this point.  Trini tries to form a coherent thought but before she can, Kim is leaning in closer to Trini’s face, so close that Trini can smell her perfume, vanilla.  She never liked the smell until she started smelling it on her, she’s a gay mess, she knows.  Leaning in closer, Kim whispers “Can I kiss you?”  Trini startles and sits up,

“What? Why?”  Trini is having a hard time understanding what is happening and she feels the ever horrendous anxiety rearing it’s ugly head.  _She doesn’t want you, Freak.  She just wants to be friends, you’re nothing and you should just run away._ Reeling from the onslaught of thoughts, Trini starts to stand when Kim places her hand on Trini’s and stops her completely. 

“T, I know its hard but I need you to copy my breathing okay?  Just like this….good, one more time.”  Trini copies Kim’s breathing but feels the tears start to sting her eyes.  She can’t cry in front of Kim.  If only her tears would listen to her.  One starts to fall down her cheek when Kim reaches up and wipes it away.  “T, its okay.  I’m here, you’re safe, I’ve got you.”  Letting herself be pulled into Kim’s arms, she nestles in leaning her back against Kim’s chest.  Kim simply holds her and it’s all it takes to bust down all the walls Trini tried so hard to keep up. 

“I just keep having these panic attacks and it really sucks because I hate feeling this way and I feel so weak and helpless when I shouldn’t feel this way and I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m so damn tired of waking up every day waiting for the attacks to start again.”  Trini speeds through, hoping to get through it because she knows if she stops, she’ll break down and not be able to get through it.  Kim just holds her tighter and starts to play with her hair. 

“Trini, it sucks it really does, but they are just thoughts.  I used to get them so bad for years and I still do, but trying to think that they are just thoughts helps me get through them and I will be there every step of the way, right beside you.”  Trini simply nods, at this point it’s all she can do.  Trini mumbles

“What T?” Kim asks.

“I’m sorry for ruining your picnic.”  Trini says. 

Kim chuckles, “T, I’ve got you in my arms right now, that’s a big win for me.” 

“There you go again,” Trini says as she turns and sits across from Kim, “Why do you say those things when you know I’m into girls and you aren’t into me?”  Trini is somewhat horrified at being so forward but at this point, she really doesn’t have much to lose.  Kim’s jaw opens slightly. 

“You…don’t think…I’m not into you?” Kim stammers out. Exasperated, she stands up and throws her hands into the air.  “I’ve been dropping hints for months now!”  Trini’s mind starts to whirl, there’s no way she could actually miss hints from Kim…..was there?  Then the thought comes, _Maybe I was so preoccupied with thinking she would never be into me that I completely overlooked her actually…being into me?_ Trini just shakes her head.  “Trini, I have had feelings for you ever since the day I tackled you off the cliff.”  Trini scowls up at Kim

“I still haven’t forgiven you for that.”

Kim kneels down on the blanket looking Trini right in the eyes, “Trinity Maria Gomez, I like you.  I have liked you, I will like you and I know you like me.” 

“h—how?”

“Well, I mean who doesn’t like me?”  Trini throws grass at Kim, who in turn starts to laugh.  “Actually, Zack told me…like 4 months ago.” 

“That asshole! Oh he is so getting hurt.”  Trini expels angrily.  Kim takes Trini’s hands. 

“Trini, look at me.  Is it really that bad that he told me, I mean I just poured my heart out to you.” 

Well, when you put it that way…. “I guess.” 

“Shut up and kiss me idiot.”  Kim leans in and brings her hand up to Trini’s cheek.  Staring into Kim’s eyes is like staring at hope.  Glancing down at her soft and incredibly attractive lips, Trini lets go for the first time in years.  Their lips clash in a cacophony of fireworks and supernovas.  Breathless and mind-whirring, Trini pulls back and looks down while resting her head against Kim’s chest.  She can feel how fast Kim’s heart is beating and it makes Trini feel some type of way.  “What just happened?” Trini asks to no one in particular. 

“You’re so cute,” Kim giggles.  “You got the girl of your dreams, that’s what happened.”  Trini takes a deep breath, trying to stop her head from spinning and keeping the thoughts at bay. _She just wanted to experiment.  She’ll get tired of you and throw you away, they all did after all._ Why.  Why do these thoughts have to come at what should be the happiest day of her life?  Starting to feel her chest tighten up, Trini pushes back from Kim and starts trying to take another deep breath.  It feels like someone has a vice on her chest and even though logically she knows she is able to breath and is currently doing so, her ever-loving friend named anxiety has other plans.  Was this some cruel punishment for finally kissing Kim?  No, that doesn’t make any sense.  So why does she feel this way?  “Trini? Hey, earth to Trini.”  Looking deeply concerned, Kim reaches for Trini. 

“I’m fine Kim.”  Trini stands up, “I have to go.”  Trini abruptly turns around and takes off sprinting, leaving a very confused and extremely upset Kim behind her.

 Running until the soles of her shoes are officially non-existent, Trini looks up trying to figure out where she is.  Actually, where the hell is she?  Looking around, she recognizes nothing and sees only trees.  Shit.  _Lost.  Just like you.  You have never fit in.  You never will._ Trini physically shakes her head trying to get the thoughts to stop.  It’s like tidal waves taking on a beaver dam, at some point it’s going to break.  No.  Stop, you’ve made it through every terrible thought so far, you can do it again.  “WHY DID I RUN” Trini screams into the air.  Frustrated she screams until her throat is raw.  She screams out her emotions, those hellish thoughts, feeling weak, feeling unloved, feeling like she shouldn’t exist, and the worst one; running from the girl of her dreams who admitted to wanting her and even kissing her.  Exhausted from the constant overthinking and running, Trini pulls out her phone and thanks any God, deity, or whatever out there that she is able to have signal.  Pulling up the GPS, she figures out she is 10 miles from the mines and even farther from home.  Damn Ranger endurance.  Sighing, Trini starts the very long walk home.

 The sun sets and the moon is out before Trini makes it home.  Dirty, sweaty, sore, and just simply exhausted she opens the door.  Taking her headphones out and pausing the music, Trini looks around to see the dark house.  Great, no one is home.  “Thank God, I have no idea how I’d explain this.”  Trini walks into the kitchen to grab a water.  Water in hand, she walks up the steps towards her room.  The one good thing about this house is that when they moved, Trini was able to argue that she needed the room with the attached bathroom and actually won.  Well, whether she won or her parents simply didn’t want to fight isn’t important here.  Turning on the shower as hot as it possibly goes, Trini starts peeling off the mud and sweat crusted clothing.  Gross.  She gingerly takes her socks off and looks at her feet.  They are tore up but with her Ranger healing, she should be fine in about an hour or so.  Stepping into the shower, she just lets the water run over her.  For once, she has no thoughts and no voice telling her how horrendous she is.  Maybe it’s just sheer exhaustion of panic and overthinking.  She stays in there until the water runs cold.

Walking out of the bathroom wrapped in her towel, Trini screams when she sees someone sitting on the bed. 

“Hey! It’s just me.”  Kim says, standing up quickly. 

“Oh sure, just what I needed today, a heart attack!”  Trini bites back.  Crossing her arms, Trini tries to put up as many defenses as she can.  She has no idea why, Kim obviously cares about her but for some reason she feels like she has to protect herself.  Kim stares openly at Trini.  “Why are you here Kim?” 

“Oh I don’t know, maybe to see if you were still alive?  Ya know, after you decided to take off sprinting away from me!”  Kim says tearing up.  Shit.  Not only did she run away from Kim but now she made her cry.  Great.  “I don’t know what’s going on Trini, but if you don’t want this” motioning between Trini and herself, “then just tell me.  Actually talk with me instead of sprinting away from me and making me feel like shit!”  Kim says, frustrated.  Trini bites down as hard as she can trying not to cry.  “Trini, please.  At least tell me what I did wrong.”  Begging at this point, Kim plops back down onto Trini’s bed putting her face in her hands.  I can’t handle this Trini thinks to herself.  After what feels like forever, Trini finally responds. 

“Every day the same thoughts go through my head that I don’t belong, that you all hate me, that I’m not good enough, that I would be better off just not existing.”  Kim looks up and starts to open her mouth, “Stop, Kim.  I won’t be able to get through all of this if I stop.”  Trini takes a deep breath and starts again.  “I have panic attacks almost every hour and the voice inside my head just constantly tells me how horrible I am and I get that it’s just my anxiety.  I know that.”  Trini feels the first hot tear run down her cheek.  “But no matter what I do, the voice doesn’t stop.  No matter how amazing things are going, it does not stop.  Right after you kissed me, which should be the most amazing thing I have ever experienced because look at you, I immediately started thinking that you were just experimenting with me and that you didn’t really want me.  Those thoughts caused my panic to sky-rocket and I had to get away.  Was running away from you the best decision I could have made then? No, hell no.  But I felt so scared and so unreal that I had no other thought but run.”  Hugging herself, Trini lets the tears flow.  “I’m so scared all the time that I’m going crazy or worse, that those thoughts are right and I don’t know how to stop them, Kim, I don’t know. . . if I can do this anymore.”  Trini sobs and feels herself falling.  Before her knees can touch the ground, Kim has her in her arms and is holding her against herself.  Trini’s small body is wracked with sobs so powerful that Kim is having a hard time holding on.  The sobs tell the story of a girl who her entire life has felt so broken and alone.  A broken girl who can’t trust her own mind.  Kim angrily thinks to herself that whoever has made her feel even more alone deserves nothing worse than hell itself. 

Holding Trini as tightly as possible, Kim starts running her hand through Trini’s hair, whispering, “Hey, I’m here T, let it out.”  Her sobs turn into quiet tears where her body is no longer violently shaking. Trini wipes at her eyes, internally cursing herself for letting herself cry that much.  Sniffing, Trini leans back into Kim. 

“My hair got your shirt all wet.”  Trini says in what sounds like an apologetic voice. 

Kim starts to laugh, “Only you could be worried about someone else after that.”  Trini just stares at her wall, feeling the ever familiar numbness start to creep back in.  “Hey, look at me T.”  Kim says while reaching for Trini’s face.  “T, it’s okay.  I promise.  But, I listened to you now please listen to me.”  Trini thinks that she owes Kim so much more than that, but for now she turns so she can face Kim.  “There’s that beautiful face.”  Kim smiles.  “T, Listen.  First of all you are an amazing person with the most beautiful soul I have ever seen.  You are the literal embodiment of love and it kills me that you felt like you had to go through this alone.  What you are going through is hell, I know and sometimes I know it makes you feel like you are alone and that no one would help you with it but I’m telling you T, I am here.  I was here, I am here, and I will be here, as long as you want me.  I’m so so so sorry that the kiss was what started the feelings of anxiety but Trini,” Kim looks up, “I love you, Trini.  I. Love. You.”  Kim enunciates every word as if the words would disappear otherwise. “And I know you may not feel the same way yet or any way at all but Trini, I care about you and have such deep feelings for you.  I want you, I want us.”  Kim finally looks down and sees tears in Trini’s eyes again.  “Oh T.”  Kim says while wiping her tears away.  Before she knows what’s happening, Trini’s lips crash onto hers and oh.  Wow.  Hands coming up to Kim’s face and Trini pushing herself up and towards Kim, deeper and deeper into the kiss.  Breathless, they pull apart and sit there with their foreheads touching.  “Wow” is all Kim can manage.  Trini looks up at her and in her eyes Kim sees her.  Trini with all her walls down and Kim thinks it is the most incredible and sad sight to see such an amazing soul so raw and open. 

“Did you really mean it?” Trini asks timidly praying it was real but preparing for it to not be. Kim reaches up and holds Trini’s cheek, who unconsciously leaned into her hand,

“Of course T, I meant every word and I will always mean every word.”  Trini closes her eyes and feels herself start to melt into Kim’s hand.  _Hope.  The most powerful and dangerous of all emotions.  It will destroy you._ Trini, for the first time in forever is able to dull the power of her anxiety.  It isn’t gone but it isn’t screaming and this is a win.  “Princessa”  Trini breaths out, not being able to understand the waves of emotion she is feeling.  Love, fear, joy, and something that Trini doesn’t have the vocabulary to explain.  Kim smiles at the nickname Trini uses for her. 

“As much as my inner Bi is screaming at me to not say this, lets get you dressed babes.”  Trini feels her heart skip a beat at the name and her face flush from the comment.  Standing up, Trini helps Kim up and presses a quick peck to her lips.  Walking over to her dresser, she can hear Kim jump onto her bed. 

“Really, Princessa? Don’t break my bed.” 

“Oh I wouldn’t dream of breaking your bed unless you were in it with me.”  Kim says with the most nonchalant voice. 

Choking, Trini turns around with her face blazing. “Kim!” 

Laughing breathlessly, “Oh T, if you only knew how much fun this is.”  Just to add insult to injury, Kim winks at the end of this.  Turning back around feeling a heat spread across her stomach, Trini starts a mantra of “down girl,” hoping to keep herself under control.  Settling for an oversized sweatshirt that says “Philadelphia Eagles” with the beak of the eagle being silky which Trini loves to rub and a pair of basketball shorts, Trini walks back into her bathroom.

 Staring at herself in the mirror she sees the telltale signs of crying.  Running some cold water and splashing her face, Trini runs a brush through her hair to attempt to make it somewhat decent.  Deciding she did the best she could, she walks back out into her room and feels her heart jump at the sight of Kim lying in her bed looking at her phone.  She is so beautiful and Trini is so absolutely fucked.  Trini turns the bedroom light off and then turns on her favorite lava lamp (hey, not everything from the 90’s was cheesy, okay?) and lays down next to Kim.  Rolling over so she could face Kim, Trini wiggles to find the best way to lay on her side and be able to rub her silky.  With her other hand, she reaches over towards Kim and rests her hand right next to Kim’s.  Kim, sensing the heat coming off of the other girl’s hand, sets her phone down and intertwines hers with Trini’s while turning to face her.  Both girls just look at each other.  Trini, looking down at Kim’s lips with a feverish feeling doesn’t feel Kim moving closer to her until she is breathing in Kim’s breath.  Lips don’t collide this time, no, rather they softly touch.  This kiss doesn’t speak of passion and want, it speaks of love and says “I’m yours and I’m here.”  Trini feels the killer bees in her stomach again. 

“I’m sorry I ruined your picnic.”  Trini says when she pulls away. 

Kim looks at her “Babe, I’m laying in your bed, holding your hand, and we just kissed.  Again.  I’m pretty sure this is the best possible outcome.”  Kim chuckles while Trini turns red again. 

Kim thinks to herself that every soul has its own opposite.  Trini is the fiercest and bravest warrior out of all of the Rangers and yet. . . no one feels more deeply or cares more intensely than her. 

“I love you, Trini.”  Kim says, adding “You don’t have to say it back but I’ve been waiting to say it and now that I finally have I’m going to keep saying it.”  Trini meets Kim’s eyes with such love that Kim thinks she is going to die.

“I love you too Kim.  I’m in love with you.” Trini says with such finality that Kim’s heart has never felt so full.  Trini snuggles into Kim

and

the

world

falls

away _._


End file.
